Bemused Canadian Julia Colterjohn
submits review of favorite bar in Kampot (and possibly the world).
Julia lives and works in Phnom Penh
and has trouble thinking of anything nice to say about anyone, so
this is actually quite a stellar review.
Admittedly, the place is a bit
backwards, you might say. If you tell English speakers that you went
there, and recommend it, they will not have an easy time finding it
(even though it's quite easy to find), because there is no such place
in Kampot as what they assume that you meant. In English, the
adjective should go before the noun. In Khmer, the nouns generally
go before the adjectives, but that's when you are using Khmer nouns
and adjectives. If you are going to name your bar in English, then
maybe you should follow the English conventions, eh? But no. It's
called BAR RED, not RED BAR, and until you wrap your head around
that, you will never even have a chance to get properly thwarted.
In general, before you recommend a
room, you should probably be allowed to stay in it, right? Screw it.
I'm recommending the rooms anyway. Maybe next time, I will be
allowed to stay in one of the rooms! At least I got to actually look
at one this last time. The food on the menu should be available on
roughly the same day as the menu is posted, right? Whatever. The
menu is mouthwatering. Wait until you actually get to TRY the food!
That should be good enough, you whinging tourist. What, are you in
some kind of HURRY? Instant gratification is emphatically not what
Cambodia is about. This is the Kingdom of Wonder. If you should be
so lucky as to get close enough to see the menu at BAR RED, you will
also notice (or not) that the clock on the wall keeps perfect time…
exactly backwards. Maybe you're early. Maybe you're too late.
Best just relax and congratulate everyone and buy a round. This will
help, guaranteed.
By the way, if you are a backpacker,
you might as well forget about BAR RED because they have a sign with
a picture of a backpacker and a big X through it, saying "NO
BACKPACKERS" on it. However, you have to be already sitting at
the bar, if it happens to be open, before you can actually see the
sign and slink out. In my experience they are not that fussy about
the backpacks themselves, and if you are already drinking (especially
if you have bought a round and claim to have only a fifty dollar bill
on your person) they probably will not throw you out until your tab
reaches at least thirty bucks. But they might. I don't know about
that for sure. If the space between the letters disappears, then
you are BARRED and should go to your room (if they have let you have
one).
Another nice thing about BAR RED,
should you be able to actually get in and stay long enough to feel
nature's call, is that BAR RED will disabuse you of your bourgeois
assumption that you need toilet paper for anything. There is nothing
wrong with the toilet (although for some reason one of the resident
cats won't use it and prefers the floor in the corner beside the
sink), but I'm afraid I used up the last six squares of the toilet
paper on the first night of my last visit to BAR RED, and although I
mentioned it, no moves had been made three days later to replace the
roll. So what? Who needs toilet paper? The bum gun works fine and
it's easier on the trees.
So anyway, it is not necessarily true
that you can't get served, eat or sleep at BAR RED, but then again
it's not necessarily true that you CAN get served, eat or sleep
there, either (at least, on purpose). If you have seen any of the
ads for BAR RED, you will have noted that it advertises itself as a
bar and restaurant with good music and guest rooms. You probably
didn't take special notice of the fact that it does not advertise
itself as being, say, OPEN. So what? What is your problem, you
whinging tourist? The rooms are fine, they have cable TV, and they
are clean. The food is absolutely fantastic. Hey. Good food takes
time to prepare. The music is great. The company is unfailingly
amusing and the staff is charming and helpful. You came all the way
to Kampot just to complain about the fact that you can't HAVE any of
those things right away? So take a pill. BAR RED does things the
Cambodian way. It puts its adjectives after its nouns.
Personally, a lot like Bar Red I.
Julia Colterjohn (new KSG review team leader)
Many thanks Julia, sorry I can't squeeze it in the guide but I am sure it will be seen here. Keep up the good work n visit again soon.
