Irvin S. KSG ACE Reporter and his amazing works.


Dateline Kampot Issue 14
April 2009

The Kampot Advancement Alliance has confirmed that the town’s underground rail system will go ahead despite the global financial situation. Addressing the KAA board on April 1st, Chairman Samnang Streak said a Nigerian backer had been found to furnish the 7.3 billion dollar shortfall in funding left by the withdrawal from the project of the Somali Seaman’s League Inc.
Samnang stated that Kampot’s population would experience growth of just under 3000% over the next twelve months taking it to just a fraction over one million inhabitants by March 2010. Samnang said the drivers of growth were domestic and international citing the local deep port, Bokor Mountain resort and hydroelectric dam developments together with global warming which will see the Netherlands completely flooded and subsequently evacuated in August 2009. The population of the city of Rotterdam is expected to be relocated to Kampot as a result of the deluge.
He said that Phase 1 which included chaos modeling, necromancy, feasibility and environmental impact studies was now complete and the impending inundation of Holland made it imperative that the remaining phases were implemented without delay. These were outlined as:
Phase 2 dig a big-big tunnel linking the existing rail station to the market extending to the town square through to the bus station and thence to riverside. Build stations at these key points. Lay rail lines and supply electrification.
Time frame: May – June 2009
Phase 3 Lay above ground tracks the length of riverside from the Governor’s Residence to the new bridge. Track to support a high speed tilt train with a top a speed of 475 kph making it possible to have an uninterrupted view of the river and travel from one end of riverside to the other in 3.2 seconds. It is understood that the Daelim – SAAB conglomerate is in direct negotiation with the Nigerian backer around the provision of engines and rolling stock. Time frame: July 1st – July 15th
Phase 4 Ensure that all signs in Kampot are bilingual (Dutch and Khmer) in anticipation of the arrival of our friends from Rotterdam. Link sections of rail at new bridge and market - Time frame: by August
Phase 5 excavate another big-big tunnel under the river and thence to a point directly below the apex of Bokor Mountain. Construct a 1000 meter elevator shaft from the bedrock of the mountain to the apex. Install elevators. Time frame: August – October
Phase 6 Link all tracks. Final checks and system completion - Time frame: December 


Irvin Savage
KSG Ace Reporter




Expat Tales Issue 14
Stewart

It is coming along about six bells and I am sitting in the front of the Rusty Keyhole watching the sunset and thinking a little about this and a little about that and a little bit about what have you - which is to say not very much at all - when Sabai-Sabai Stew pulls up on his Smash. Now Stewart is a large South African who gets the name Sabai-Sabai as every time he is asked how he is going he says he is sabai-sabai and this is quite a handy phrase to know if you only know three or four Khmer words as is the case with Stewart. He has some small-small business in Kampot and I see him around and about at the usual watering holes having a drink and a smoke and shooting the breeze and like that and he is generally a very affable fellow who is OK with all so I have no problem giving him the medium hello.
He looks at me like I am a very warm beer in a dirty glass and I see that he is exceedingly red in the face and his eyes are bulging more than somewhat and I am starting to think that maybe a small hello would have sufficed when he throws himself in a chair and says in a very big voice that he wants to jump off a bloody fridge. Naturally I am somewhat astonished at this statement and look at my watch as if I might need to go somewhere quick-quick when I remember his accent and can know that he really means bridge. Now it is still quite hot and maybe jumping off a bridge might be quite refreshing at that and I am about to agree with him about the heat when he waves me to be quiet and tells me about his day as follows:
My day starts all sabai-sabai. My small-small business makes OK money for the first time and my wife’s grandmother, mother, cousin, niece and the four children go back to Phnom Penh by the morning bus as there has been much boxing and maybe a little crying at that. I finally get my blood pressure medication sorted which is a great relief as I am somewhat tired of trying to sleep with a resting pulse rate of 90 detonations per minute.
I am catching a taxi to Phnom Penh this morning for business and as I am feeling somewhat poorly what with the detonations and the boxing and the crying and must get a final check up of my meds although as I say, I think it is now clear skies for me from here on.
The taxi driver starts the car and blue sparks many-many are coming from under the dashboard and it is all quite festive until he throws an open can of Red Bull at the sparks and then reaches under and cuts the wires with a pair of pliers. Then we go. No problem. The trip to PP is OK if you do not count hitting the dog. Can have like reincarnation and the Greater and Lesser Wheels too. Do I tell you that the AC does not work at all and small boy in the back vomits?
I get to PP smelling like last weeks prahok and have small-small lights going off and on in my eyes. I ask a motodop if he knows Lucky Lucky motorcycles and he says I know…I know. He stops three times to ask directions and then drops me at Lucky supermarket. Can be unlucky like that too sometimes-
I make it to Lucky Lucky motorcycles and ask about my driver’s license that they tell me by phone is ready already. They take my receipt and look-look. They show me a license for a Stewart Farrow but no have one for me, Stewart Barrow yet. Can have problems with the language like that too sometimes-
I go to Lucky Heart Aspara Clinic for my medical appointment with Dr Kurtz. They tell me Dr Kurtz, he in conference. Not back until tomorrow and one more. I light an Ara in the waiting room before I go. Can have health problem and play like that too sometimes-
I go to lunch at tiny restaurant near Psar Thmei before catching taxi back to Kampot. I order No.25 on the menu and get No.37. I cannot know what is on the plate as small thermo-nuclear device goes off in my head.
I become very alarmed by reflection in plate glass window of restaurant of large, red faced man overturning tables and smashing plates and glasses and screaming many-many bad words at small-small Khmer waitress… especially when I realize that large angry man is me. I am hurrying away quick-quick while I can hear restaurant owner calling after me … very sorry sir…it her first day working.
And can have all and lose it like that too sometimes. 


Irvin Savage
KSG Ace Reporter




Kampot News Issue 15

Train Timetable Derailed Amidst Growing Monster Rampage Fears 
Construction of Kampot’s 7.3 billion dollar underground rail system has been put back due to an increase in the number of sightings of the Kampot Kaiju (monster) within the river system. There have now been eight confirmed sightings since April. Visual impressions have differed at each sighting with some observers describing the creature as having a long serpentine body while others report it as being stockier and resembling a Pekinese dog in full body armour. The monster’s actual size is also under question as is has been described as both big and big-big. The dissimilarity in the accounts of the monster has fuelled speculation that the river may actually be teeming with many different kinds of monster all at varying stages of development.
Chairman of the Kampot Advancement Alliance (KAA), Samnang Streak, said that he was unable to confirm or deny rumours that anti-submarine nets would be placed in the river and depth charges laid in an attempt to eradicate the monsters. However he described the report that the river would be drained for cleaning as “frankly ludicrous” as the wet season rains would put water back into the system faster than it could be removed. Addressing the KAA on June 3rd, Samnang said that there was little doubt that even small monsters posed a significant risk to city infrastructure. He cited what he had learned from his recent viewing of the Japanese movie Godzilla (1954) stating that while damage to Kampot would inevitably be catastrophic if even one big or big-big monster went on a rampage, if right techniques are used, monsters can ultimately be destroyed. Sporting several days of beard stubble and chain-smoking Gitanes cigarettes, Samnang said that a later viewing of the American film industries re-make of Godzilla (1998) was less edifying despite the presence of Gene Reno in the cast. He advised the KAA that, in his view, the Alliance would gain very few monster extermination skills by viewing monster movies made in the USA. “The United States had a significant spate of monster attacks in the 1940’s and 50’s and there are film records of these attacks. Since then, monster sightings are way down in the USA. We need to look to a country that has extensive film records of remorseless monster attacks of unmitigated ferocity – often by two or more, generally aquatic, monsters of different kinds - if we are to develop effective monster management skills. Japan has experienced this kind of monster attack and fearful and repeated obliteration of most of its cities for nearly all of the twentieth century - and of course our hearts go out to the few remaining people who live in Japan. Yet they have thrived and their country is rich and so they have much to teach us about the ways of Kaiju”
Samnang said that the KAA would retreat to a bunker in Kep and study the Mothra, Anguirus, Rodan, Gamera and remaining Godzilla films. Following this, a plan would be developed to destroy all monsters and get the train back on track.
Before closing the meeting, Samnang confirmed that minor technical difficulties were still being experienced around the train projects funding. The Nigerian backer was still requesting via e-mail that USD 250 be placed into his bank account prior to him depositing the USD 7.3 billion into the KAA’s account. 

Telecommunications
Three new mobile phone shops are to open in Kampot within the next month. The shops – the Lucky One, the Lucky Two and the Lucky Googolplex will fill the service gap left by the closure of the Maybe Lucky, This Time Lucky and the ill fated Do I Feel Lucky mobile phone retail outlets. It is understood that the Do I Feel Lucky obtained its name via a cultural misinterpretation of a quote from a Dirty Harry (1971) movie. The opening of the new shops will maintain the total number of mobile phone stores in Kampot at 117 and it is expected that phone inventory will remain static at 8.1 phones per head of population which is slightly below the national average. 

Motorcycling
Following the sale of Humvee to China and Chrysler to Fiat, it was revealed last week that the financially troubled Harley Davidson Company has been sold to Daelim. The new company, Harley Daelimson (HD) will continue to build the large capacity V twin Hog in the USA but potentially reliable sources within the company have flagged two new additions to the model lineup for 2010.
The first of the new models, the CitiMax Deluxe, is a 1900cc dirt-scooter; a market niche that HD feels has been hitherto neglected. Details are sketchy but it is known that the power plant will be the innovative Daelim17 which is in essence seventeen Daelim 110cc motors bolted together in an upright configuration. Power delivery to the rear wheel may be provided by a system of chains, pulleys, belts, shafts, plasma drives or a combination of all methods. HD would not be drawn on a price for this mouth watering machine but it is expected that it will cost money a lot.
The second new model, The Schweinhund, will be directed to the tradition and green house gas emission conscious German market. It will be a 220cc flat ‘boxer’ twin, a configuration achieved by bolting a standard 110cc Daelim motor on each side of a frame.
The two new models draw heavily on sophisticated Daelim expertise and may breathe new life into company that has relied on Soviet era tractor technology for its model lineup for nearly a century. 

Health
The World Health Organisation (WHO) has released its findings from a twenty-year study of global rice consumption. The primary finding was that rice contains high concentrations of long chain, fast twitch polysaccharide enzymes which are potent human growth inhibiters. Conventional wisdom has held that it is the low dietary consumption of protein within countries that have rice as a food staple that has resulted in the generally smaller physique and developmental potential of these populations. It is now clear that it is in fact the ingestion of vast quantities of the human growth inhibiting enzymes contained in rice that restrains growth. 

Manufacturing
In a development that has outraged consumers, it was revealed last week that all of the twenty-four brands of sweet milk sold in Cambodia are actually produced in the same canning factory, Lucky Lactose Products. The only real variations within the brands other than labels are infinitesimal adjustments to Food Thickening Agent (113) and Yellow Food Colouring Agent (227). 


Irvin Savage
KSG Ace Reporter




Kampot News Issue 16

Kampot Monster (Kaiju) Update
Torrential rain and the collapse of a retaining wall have revealed a defensive circle of massive carved stone heads at the hydroelectric dam site near Kampot. The heads are of big-big Easter Island proportions but are recognizably antique Khmer in origin as the heads have four faces staring out to the primary points of the compass. The heads surround a thirty meter wide muddy crater in which has been found eggs of the Jurassic era Streptocarpus Kampotus Horribilis, a dinosaur with a unique quadruple-helix morphing DNA. It is known from fossilized bone remains that this reptile could, at the point of hatching, emerge looking like a Pekinese dog in full body armor, the Loch Ness monster or indeed Joseph Stalin - depending on environmental variables or how it felt at the time. The find goes a long way towards explaining the different kinds of monster that have been sighted in the river system around Kampot over the past three months. Historically, monster rampages have followed some form of man made disturbance of the ecological balance and Sanskrit inscriptions at the base of each of the heads give off a bad vibe about this. The aged script appears to forewarn of three apocalyptic plagues that will befall Kampot should the prehistoric nest be disturbed: The plagues are:
1.Unrelenting rain and floods.
2.Rampaging monsters of many different kinds and sizes.
3.Invasion by hoards of people who use the words “amazing” and “man” in conjunction and to excess.
While the Sanskrit text has not been fully translated, it seems that the third of these three plagues generated the most fear in the Khmers of antiquity. Archeologists believe the find will throw new light on the rule of Amazingman lV who reigned for a three day period between King Jayavarman VII and King Suryavarman II before being deposed in a popular uprising due to being too easily astonished.
In related news, the Kampot Advancement Alliance (KAA) is still bunkered down in Kep studying the Godzilla, Hedorah, Rodan, Gigan, Megalon, King Ghidorah and Mothra Japanese Kaiju movies with a view to obtaining the necessary monster management skills to deal with the domestic plague. Asked to comment on the findings at the hydroelectric dam, a spokesperson for the KAA declared he was frankly skeptical, “I am frankly skeptical, and there are two reasons why I am incredulous like that”. One, it has come to our attention that some of the alleged photos of the monster are in fact Photo-Shopped images of Pekinese dogs, the Loch Ness monster and Joseph Stalin - and very badly photo-shopped at that. We expect this kind of behaviour from Australians but we are very disappointed to find that people from more cultured, civilized European countries are also into this photo-shopped bogus monster business. It makes it very hard for us to get precise data on the monster infestation and to know what is what.
The second reason why I am dubious is that the KAA has just viewed the twenty-third movie in the Godzilla series - Godzilla vs. Frankenstein and Billy the Kid – The Return of the Kid (1967). It is a very bad movie and shows signs of being rushed as in one scene it is possible to see that Godzilla is wearing an Omega wristwatch and requires reading glasses. However the movie shows Godzilla looking after people by boxing with Frankenstein and Billy the Kid. At the end of the docu-drama, many, many people - including small children, are crying as they watch Godzilla sink below the water and his glasses fall off after his epic battle against these two sworn enemies of mankind. Maybe Godzilla is mortally wounded in this combat but we cannot know until we watch Godzilla XXlV - Godzilla and Spartacus vs. The Nazi Party (1968). What we at the KAA now know is that is that some monsters are bad and some monsters are good and some monsters will even box for you if they like you enough. 

Technology
Kampot based high-tech R&D Company, Kampotek, has developed a device to address the chronic problem of viruses and other computer nasties being transmitted via flash or USB thumb drives from infected computers in internet shops.
In practice, the device is microscopically thin latex that has been irradiated with Aldo Rays™ and then immersed in a concentrated hyperbaric isotonic leukocyte solution. The process renders the latex hypersensitive and permeable to safe data but in trials, blocks viruses, worms, trojans and other forms of malware. The latex membrane is slipped over the coupling end of the USB drive prior to insertion in the receptive computer. It is understood that the electronic prophylactic will cost $50 per unit for those using a Windows platform, be free for those using Linux and not required by those using Mac as they are far too nice as people to be passing viruses on to each other. 

Manufacturing
Following intense lobbying by the powerful Hemophiliacs Association, Cambodia’s safety razor manufacturers have universally agreed to the Blade Blunting code of conduct. Prior to the agreement, only half of the manufactures had voluntarily adopted the process of dragging the razor over a piece of sandstone to blunt it and render it safe before packaging and distribution. A spokesperson for the Hemophiliacs Association said that the concord was a breakthrough for common sense and truth in advertising as only a clinically insane person could reasonably use the word ‘Safety’ in conjunction with any procedure that involved repeatedly scraping a piece of surgically sharpened steel over bare skin. 

Economics
New data released this week shows that 74% of economists feel negative about the economies performance over the next twelve months while 81% feel positive and believe that it will improve over the same period. Of the statisticians contacted to comment on these data, 91% found the
+ 7% positive finding “statistically significant and encouraging” while 14% were of the view that economists are “100%full of it”. A further 2% were “undecided”. 

Palm Wine Tasting
Bokor Ridge Estate
Special Reserve Vintage August 2009
Tasting Notes:
Pale green and robustly bubbling denoting the still active fermentation process
Interesting nose reminiscent of Etruscan brass and a suggestion of wet cat fur with just a droll hint of Moroccan leather insinuating itself a third of the way up your left nostril
The wine is playfully astringent on the front and back palates. Astringency persists throughout the upper digestive tract. May have emetic properties - may make you want to sit on the toilet a lot -may allow you to talk to your ancestors
Teasing hints of unripe raspberries, mulberries, boysenberries and the small purple fruit sold in Kampot market that no one knows the name of but which undeniably make you sit on the toilet a lot. An amusing whisper of durian on the after palate winks at you and is then gone. Solid, gratifying alcoholic payload
Should be consumed at hut or ambient temperature
Cellaring potential: 12 to 18 hours or until bottles start to explode
Recommended accompaniments: fried or barbequed anything with wings.
Verdict: an agreeable little domestic quaffer for happy-happy. 

Irvin Savage
KSG Ace Reporter



Expressions of Interest Issue 17

The Multi Auspice of Non Government Organizations (MANGO) is a not for profit association established in Cambodia since 2007. Its membership is drawn from a range of reputable NGO human service providers, primarily those in the health and welfare sectors. MANGO evolved in response to the identified needs of the 20,000 + expatriate population currently domiciled in Cambodia with specific reference to the hardships and Cultural Dissonance Issues (CDI) that commonly form part of the expatriate experience. 

MANGO offers a range of training workshops and learning modules designed to address Key Problem Areas (KPA) by teaching adjustment techniques and Advanced Coping Skills (ACS). These programs have been successfully conducted in Siem Reap, Battambong and Koh Kong and expressions of interest are now being sought from Kampot based expatriates to participate in selected training modules scheduled to be run in Kampot in January 2010.
Unless otherwise stated, all workshops are free of psychologists and charge. Times and venues will be announced once attendance numbers have been established. 

Workshop 1 Do it yourself diagnosis: Google your way to better health outcomes.
Tired of waking every morning with diarrhea, a splitting headache and coughing blood and a Google search of these symptoms invariably indicating you have Typhoid? This entertaining and educational module teaches you how to refine your search string and improve your diagnostic accuracy. Module covers: What suppurating skin condition is that? What chronic gut infection is that? What parasitic organism is that? What wasting disease is that? The module will also teach basic self dentistry including extractions and simple fillings using common kitchen utensils. Under the guidance of experienced tutors, participants will receive instruction on conducting a Google search on their own individual symptoms with subsequent group input into arriving at a final diagnosis and course of treatment. Confidentiality is assured. 

Workshop 2 Smoking for profit.
With many cigarettes in Cambodia less than 500 Reil a packet and many brands offering prizes and bonuses of free lighters and 1000 Reil per packet smoked, it makes more sense than ever to maximize your cigarette consumption. This practical two-hour course teaches the techniques required to smoke while brushing your teeth, showering, swimming and sleeping with a view to progressively increasing your consumption to 150 + cigarettes per day without suffering unwanted nicotine poisoning induced vomiting. Selected participants will also be taught the advanced skills required to smoke while vomiting. 

Workshop 3 Achieving the balanced alcohol diet
The pressures of expat living can often result in skipping meals and relying on alcohol as a primary or even sole nutritional source. This module looks at the five alcoholic food groups – Beers, Spirits, Wines, Liquors and Cocktails and examines the daily ratio and quantity of each required to achieve optimum alcoholic balance. The module also touches on the Australian high-carbohydrate beer diet and the scurvy reducing vodka and orange diet. As a bonus, participants will be taught how to make five unique cocktails using carrot juice. 

Workshop 4 Communications
The module considers a range of communication mediums.
For example is the SMS “Hi bear. You go where now? What?” a Zen question with an infinite number of existential answers?
Is Oop Oop Oop a Khmer food delicacy involving wild boar or a microbial infection involving sitting on the toilet a lot?
Is the baby duck sound (squeak - squeak - sqeeaak) the plastic bottle recycling push cart or have you mistaken it for the barbequed squid push cart (sqeeaak - squeak - squeak)?
Non verbally, are hitting, biting, punching and removing hairs from your head using teeth signs of deep and abiding affection or early indications of some form of nutritional deficiency?
The workshop will teach some useful basic Khmer phrases including Op chang mirot babu (This beer is not very cold) and Irik sang lot babu same-same (Please give me one more warm beer). 

Workshop 5 Expatriate rage
Participants are encouraged to attend workshops 1 and 2 and 4 prior to enrolling for this workshop. Sessions will start with a group hug and trust building ice-breakers.
Module 1 Cascading Adverse Events
For example, why did the poorly diagnosed health problem become exacerbated by a failure to include essential carrot cocktails in the diet result in a bad case of Oop Oop Oop culminate in hurling torrents of abuse at the wall of a bar at 2 o’clock in the morning?
Module 2 Melding with the milieu
Plagued by residual traces of the need to set goals and be productive – an unhealthy need to assess, plan, implement and evaluate? This module teaches the ancient Babylonian technique of chanting R-FUKIT (each incantation accompanied by a single discordant note from a trumpet) upwards of 10,000 times or eighteen hours a day. The R-FUKIT mantra imparts a sublime acceptance of the fundamental imperfection and impermanence of all things.
Expressions of interest should be sent to mango@mockup.org.kh


Irvin Savage
KSG Ace Reporter




Ask Lucky Issue 18
Got a question about living in Kampot? Ask Lucky. 

Q: Dear Lucky, I am considering opening an English language school in Kampot and calling it the ‘Hello What Is Your Name?’ School of English. What do you think?
A: I think you need to learn the English language yourself before considering teaching it to others. “Hellowhatisyourname!” is one word and you will note is followed by an exclamation rather than a question mark.
Q: Dear Lucky, I have heard it said that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters for a year; they would produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Is this true?
A: Not really. This experiment was conducted in Kampot about five years ago and the monkeys were only able to write the scripts for Hugh Grant movies.
Q: Dear Lucky, my wife says that I have a drinking problem. What should I do?
A: You should take this very seriously and see a doctor at once. Any physical problem that reduces your ability to swallow fluids can cause irreparable psychological damage. In the meantime, I suggest switching from thick, hard to swallow premium beers (Anchor, Lao etc) to thinner easier to swallow brands such as Crown and Jade
Q: Dear Lucky, I have put on a little weight and now many people are saying I am fat. I am a bit embarrassed and thinking about joining Weight Watchers. What do you think?
A: This is a total waste of money. Look for roadside stalls in Kampot that sell bowls of noodles or rice for 1500 Riel or less. You should not be able to identify any food product in the bowl and ideally the alleged food should have a greenish hue and give off an odor of decomposition. Eat three times a day and drink copious tap water until you have achieved both uncontrollable diarrhea and projectile vomiting. These are the Yin and Yang of weight loss. If progress is slow, pick random cats up off the street and start licking them. Good luck!
Q: Dear Lucky, I have recently purchased some land in Kampot and now wish to fence it. Can you tell me what the approved dimensions are for fencing?
A: The aim is not to fence your land but to massively fortify it with masonry, ramparts and battlements and yes, there are approved sizes. Height is set at exactly one meter above the current world pole vaulting record and thickness should be sufficient to shield you and your loved ones from a small nuclear blast where the base of the wall is ground zero. You have some latitude in the choice of your gate but most landowners appear to settle for the Gates of Troy – Gates of Ur type of model.
Q: Dear Lucky, I have heard that Mel Gibson is to make a new movie based on the life of Mahatma Gandhi and that some of the filming will take place in Kampot. Can you confirm this rumor?
A: Yes. Apparently the staging of Cambofest in Kampot has put the city in the world spotlight. The movie is titled Mad Mahatma and will star a buffed up, dhoti wearing Hugh Grant as a lovably bumbling, urine drinking man of peace who is driven to violence by an unjust tax on bananas imposed by the British in a post apocalyptic India. The monkeys who submitted the script to Mel Gibson for consideration have Hugh Grant dying at the end of the third and final reel. Many unkind citizens believe this is about two reels too late but take some comfort in watching Hugh Grant drink urine and in the knowledge that a sequel is unlikely.
Q: Dear Lucky, I want to open a bar in Kampot featuring World Federation Wrestlers dressed as Mickey Mouse performing traditional Khmer karaoke and rhythmic apsara style dancing interspersed with pounding the crap out of each other. I will call it The Lexus Bar. What do you think of the concept?
A: This is a very disturbing image and you urgently need a full psychiatric evaluation and countless hours of therapy. How many years have you lived in Cambodia?


Irvin Savage
KSG Ace Reporter




Ask Lucky Issue 19
Answering your questions about living in Kampot

Q: Dear Lucky, I have been living in Kampot for nearly three months and my urine is always a murky yellow. Is this a problem?
A: Dark yellow pee can be distressing for you and your loved ones and lead casual observers of your micturation to conclude you have Hepatitis or liver failure. I think you are dehydrated and need to take better care of your health. In this climate you need to consume at least three liters of fluids each twenty-four hours. This quantity can be readily achieved by consuming nine cans of Anchor daily – preferably before breakfast - or, if this health regimen becomes tedious, a bottle each of Vodka, Rum and Pastis. Alternatively, if you do a little vigorous exercise in the middle of the day, you should be able to lose all of your bodily fluids in perspiration and not actually need to urinate at all.
Q: Dear Lucky, I have been sick for a couple of weeks and have been taking the red, yellow and blue tablets but these don’t seem to be helping. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Cambodia is a developing country and has not really progressed much beyond primary color pharmacology. You should see if your pharmacy stocks some chartreuse, vermillion or turquoise colored tablets. Anecdotal evidence suggests that many people are getting good results (including fixing baldness and sterilizing cats) from the exciting new beige colored tablets. You may also wish to try different shapes and sizes of tablet. It is also a good idea to seek advice from everyone you meet and to follow this advice without question.
Q: Dear Lucky, my small Kampot business is suffering and it is very hard to make money. Do you have any suggestions?
A: prior to his death in 2006, the distinguished economist Milton Freidman renounced his worldly assets, wandered into the economic wilderness, meditated and developed the Business Calmer Sutra. The Four Profitable Truths of the Calmer Sutra are 1. Business is dukkha (suffering) 2. The cause of dukkha is a lack of customer throughput 3. Rightsizing and Reversing dukkha is actionable. 4. Visioning the time frame for the proceduralized ramping-up of leveraged traction on market share is the path to transcending dukkha.
Q: Dear Lucky, I have traveled extensively in Asia and recently spent a few days in Kampot. I have to say it was very depressing as I have never seen so many dejected, haggard, poorly dressed, worn down, unfortunate, displaced people in my life. Can nothing be done to help these poor souls?
A: As a Kampot resident, I take strong issue with you describing the Kampot expatriate population in these terms. In any case, I can only assume you did not visit Koh Kong. The expatriate population there is far more poorly dressed and dejected and at least fifty percent of them look like Keith Richards.
Q: Deer Mucky, I very interesting for teaching English or writting pappers in the English and offer my service for the very high beer standard even now encroaching on PhD larger level. So I am now completed the dissertation on the works of Charlotte Anchor Bronte and beer and now knowing all about beer and am now entach my CV for your drinking delectation.
A: I assume you are an Australian. Your file has been placed with the others -don’t call me Mucky.
Q: Dear Lucky, I would like to move to Kampot. Do you have any advice regarding living there?
A: You shouldn’t have any problem as long as you are laid back at just the right angle and observe the 177 degree rule. The 177 degree rule means that you are chilled out and relaxed to the point of being exactly 3 degrees above the horizontal. The remaining 3 degrees are comprised in equal parts of being watchful, skeptical, questioning, cynical, paranoid and micro-managing. A short term standard deviation of 1 degree one way or the other (more chilled or more paranoid) is generally acceptable. Larger or lengthier deviations will almost always result in big problems for you
Q: Dear Lucky, there appears to be new monuments being built at every road intersection in Kep. Can you tell me what is happening?
A: Kep has commissioned the construction of fifty, protuberant lipped, life-size statues of Kylie Minogue, Judy Garland, Elton John and k.d. Lang, all in tasteful pink concrete. The lips are to be painted an exquisite shade of puce and will pucker to the cardinal points of the compass. It is understood that the statues are to be placed at significant road intersections throughout the province as they are more readily identifiable by local residents than the existing elephants, cows, dogs etc.
Q: Dear Lucky, I am worried that my life in Kampot is turning into one giant cliché. Do you think I have cause for concern?
A: At the end of the day and personally speaking, I avoid clichés like the plague and walk to a different drummer. I do this by never taking my eyes off the ball while thinking outside the box. Hope this helps. Have a nice day.
Q: Dear Lucky, I am thinking of getting a Cambodian driver’s license. Could you give me a brief rundown on the road rules?
A: The road rules will almost certainly be simpler to follow than the ones you are used to. In Summary: Rule1. don’t look and the law of averages dictates that you should be OK. Rule 2. Avoiding a collision is always the responsibility of the vehicle traveling behind (see Rule 1.) Rule 3. Permitted vehicle speed in a built up area is proportionate to vehicle mass i.e. a pushbike is permitted to travel at 15 klm’s per hour in town while a Lexus or SUV is permitted to travel at 180 klm’s per hour in the same area. Tinted windows on your SUV permits you to travel at 470 klm’s per hour and also cancels out Rule 1. Rule 5. You are not permitted to drive your vehicle if your horn is broken. Severe penalties apply. Rule 6. Driving proficiency is determined by the number of tasks you can perform at the same time as riding or driving your vehicle e.g. sending an SMS, fixing your hair, grooming your dog, holding a conversation with someone riding beside you or carrying a five square meter piece of glass and the family pig. The more of these tasks that be carried out simultaneously, the greater the degree of skill. Rule 7. A single motorcycle helmet has force field properties and is accepted as offering head protection for up to eleven pillion passengers. You will note that there is no Rule 4. 


Irvin Savage
KSG Ace Reporter