18 December 2012

Making Money Pay.


Breaking News – KSG Exclusive
From: XXX Ace Disgraced Underground Reporter Head Teaser
To: Editor, Kampot Survival Guide
Subject: Economic News

“Obama was in Cambodia last month to speak about far more than human rights.” This statement comes from a highly placed source in the US Treasury department who spoke to Head Teaser anonymously because he is not authorized to speak to the gutter press. He went on to say, “President Obama was in Cambodia to inform the government of a daring new plan to avoid the Fiscal Cliff our country is approaching at a gallop.”
Another conversation with a board member of the Federal Reserve Bank fleshed out the story. “As you know, we have been printing greenbacks at an horrendous rate. What do we get for that? A devalued dollar, that’s what. The dollar needed some added value, so we put our thinking caps on and came up with an idea that’s so American it makes me want to get up and salute the flag.”
He continued to drop a bomb shell nearly as explosive as all the munitions dumped on Cambodia during the secret war. “We have close to one Trillion Dollars of paper money in circulation around the world. Our beloved dollar has a life expectancy of between 4.8 and 17.9 years, depending on the denomination. From the day our first dollar went into circulation and our imposition, no sorry could you change that, since the dollar was accepted as the global reserve currency; around the world the Yankee greenback has promoted our brand as a benevolent though paternally stern nation of rampant capitalists.”
Pausing to wipe a patriotic crocodile tear from his eye he went on to say that advertising is as American as apple pie and advanced weaponry. “Most of the biggest companies in the world are American, and they all have immense advertising budgets. We can guarantee the likes of Apple, Microsoft, Coke and Monsanto huge exposure on a global scale by buying ad space on good old American dollars.”
The interest in buying ad space is so great that not even Feds ability to crank out money is able to supply the anticipated demand. That is why the American government is planning to auction off the one inch by one inch ads to the highest bidder. Space on a five year print run of one hundred dollar bills is expected to fetch in the neighbourhood of five billion dollars a year for the next twenty years.
“There are a few bugs to iron out. Like of someone goes into a Burger King and decides to pay with a McDonalds five and they refuse to take it do we send in the Treasury Department Police, the FBI, Homeland Security or the CIA to enforce the legality of our currency. There’s some talk of creating jobs by legislating a new level of bureaucracy with an armed, international force of Money Police.”
He went on to say that the technology was ready at the mint to start circulating the new ad-bucks. He also noted that other than the advertising on the bills, they are to remain the same dull green they have always been. “Can’t mess with the brand image too much,” he muttered.