Breaking News – KSG Exclusive
From: XXX Ace Disgraced Underground
Reporter Head Teaser
To: Editor, Kampot Survival Guide
Subject: Economic News
“Obama was in
Cambodia last month to speak about far more than human rights.”
This statement comes from a highly placed source in the US Treasury
department who spoke to Head Teaser anonymously because he is not
authorized to speak to the gutter press. He went on to say,
“President Obama was in Cambodia to inform the government of a
daring new plan to avoid the Fiscal Cliff our country is approaching
at a gallop.”
Another
conversation with a board member of the Federal Reserve Bank fleshed
out the story. “As you know, we have been printing greenbacks at an
horrendous rate. What do we get for that? A devalued dollar, that’s
what. The dollar needed some added value, so we put our thinking caps
on and came up with an idea that’s so American it makes me want to
get up and salute the flag.”
He continued to
drop a bomb shell nearly as explosive as all the munitions dumped on
Cambodia during the secret war. “We have close to one Trillion
Dollars of paper money in circulation around the world. Our beloved
dollar has a life expectancy of between 4.8 and 17.9 years, depending
on the denomination. From the day our first dollar went into
circulation and our imposition, no sorry could you change that, since
the dollar was accepted as the global reserve currency; around
the world the Yankee greenback has promoted our brand as a benevolent
though paternally stern nation of rampant capitalists.”
Pausing to wipe a
patriotic crocodile tear from his eye he went on to say that
advertising is as American as apple pie and advanced weaponry. “Most
of the biggest companies in the world are American, and they all have
immense advertising budgets. We can guarantee the likes of Apple,
Microsoft, Coke and Monsanto huge exposure on a global scale by
buying ad space on good old American dollars.”
The interest in
buying ad space is so great that not even Feds ability to crank out
money is able to supply the anticipated demand. That is why the
American government is planning to auction off the one inch by one
inch ads to the highest bidder. Space on a five year print run of one
hundred dollar bills is expected to fetch in the neighbourhood of
five billion dollars a year for the next twenty years.
“There are a few
bugs to iron out. Like of someone goes into a Burger King and decides
to pay with a McDonalds five and they refuse to take it do we send in
the Treasury Department Police, the FBI, Homeland Security or the CIA
to enforce the legality of our currency. There’s some talk of
creating jobs by legislating a new level of bureaucracy with an
armed, international force of Money Police.”
He went on to say
that the technology was ready at the mint to start circulating the
new ad-bucks. He also noted that other than the advertising on the
bills, they are to remain the same dull green they have always been.
“Can’t mess with the brand image too much,” he muttered.
